You and Chelsea Handler Have Something in Common...

... you both know about my blog.

I know what you're thinking - "OH MY GOD, MEG...YOU'RE SO AWESOME! Chelsea Handler finally stumbled across your blog, found it hysterical, and you're going to be a guest on the Chelsea Lately panel next week! THEN she'll love you so much, she'll bring you on as a writer and you'll get to be in her crazy skits!"

That's not quite what happened, but you're awfully close, and it's kind of like you have a crystal ball into the future of Megan Allen.

Now take that ball, turn it on its ass, and lets go back in time.

About this time two weeks ago, I was preparing for an evening with Chelsea Handler.

Her.
Me.
Candlelight.
Laughter.
Sex.

Amazing.
To prepare for our evening together, I decided to purchase her new book and bring it with me, in the hopes she would have time (in between our other activities) to sign it. However, when I arrived to our date, I was astonished/hurt/mildly-turned-on that she invited multiple other people. 5,500 to be exact. That. Bitch.

I got over the hurt, grabbed Kelsey's hand (I only brought ONE guest, Chelsea), and made my way over to a table to purchase a shirt that said "Coslopus" - Chelsea's words for the vagine. I had to have one (the shirt, not the coslopus...altho I wouldn't turn either down). Once we FINALLY got to the front of the line, Chelsea's minion (not Chuy, insert sad face), told me that the only size he had was an XL. I called him an asshole and left.

Dejected, I turned to my right to see an even longer line with people scurrying and filling orders. I cut the line, went straight to the front and asked what the f bomb was going on. The answer tickled my insides and warmed my happy place:
"Chelsea is doing a book signing after the show... we're only giving out 300 books!"

Spectacular.
I then recalled that I had MY copy of Chelsea's book in my purse, "OH MY GOD! I already have a copy, so just give me a bracelet thingy and I'll be on my way!"
"NO! She's only signing books that we sell!"
"HOW WILL YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?!"
"Because when you buy one here, we give you a BRACELET."
"Touche, salesman."

I then marched to the end of the line, where Kelsey was already standing assuming (correctly) that I would F up our only chance to meet Chelsea. After purchasing our two books AT AND INCREASED PRICE, Kelsey and I then decided to get a beer.

Her - to get a buzz.

Me - to drown my sorrows that my date with Chelsea had fallen apart... and to prepare myself in case Ms. Handler actually wanted to follow through with step 5 of my plan in front of 5499 other people. A handy with Handler in front of a handful of people... if you will.

While standing in line, I saw something that I can only describe as amazeballs:



To each their own... and he owns a fabulous purse.


End Part 1. Stay tuned to hear about Chelsea masturbating, meeting Ms. Handler, and how she came to know about my blog.

WAHBAM! Cliffhanger. Suck on that, bitches.