I Have Become the Very Person I Hate.

Have you ever walked into a Starbucks / Coffee Bean / Anywhere that tries to be hip and cool with free wifi, and saw people with their laptops open, trying to look like they have important shit to do?

I'm sorry, but if you're THAT important, you wouldn't have time to be sitting at Coffee Bean taking up space.

I've always thought that "these people" were simply trying to be cool...and failing miserably. "Look at me! I'm sitting in a trendy cafe that has cool wallpaper, African music, people wearing beanies as baristas, and today's specials written on a chalkboard! I'm AWESOME!"

No.
No, you're not.

You're a massive tool and you should do your work in the privacy of your office and/or home. And how does that conversation go, exactly?

"Honey, I have a report I need to get out to the shareholders today. It's really important. I'm going to Coffee Bean! I'll be back in 5 hours."

"F you, honey. No."


Clearly, I have rage towards "these people." I don't know where it originated from. Maybe I was given a condescending look by a "novelist" working on his next great masterpiece. Maybe a student had books sprawled about a six person table, and looked at Facebook for an hour. Maybe I have classmates that enjoy meeting at coffee spots, and find it enjoyable trying to cram ALL THEIR BOOKS AND LAPTOPS ON A TABLE MADE FOR TWO.
Maybe.

It's hard to be sure.

Now, with all of that being said and off my chest... I feel as though I should let you know that I type this blog post from Coffee Bean.

gasp!
WHAT!
HYPOCRITE!
POSER!
LOSER!
HOW COULD YOU?!!?!?!?

That is the conversation I had with myself in the car, while looking in the rearview mirror, before coming in here. I still can't believe it.

As I walked in, books on my shoulder, I avoided all eye contact, as if the person sitting at the table of 6 BY HIMSELF knew that I internally had rage towards him my entire life, and was still silently judging him WHEN I WAS NOW ONE OF "HIM."

Anyway, here I sit, at a table for 4, by myself, typing this entry.

Why, you ask?
I blame ADD.

You see, I have a grotesque amount of homework due on Sunday. My law professor evidently thinks it's HYSTERICAL to give us "BRIEFS" that are 50 pages long. Suck it, woman.

Additionally, today I had a half day at work. Usually, I would already be drinking by myself at home, waiting for Kelsey to arrive... but with the amount of work I have to do... I need to be remotely responsible.

My initial thought was to go home, sit down, and do my work in the confines of my home (WHERE WORK SHOULD BE DONE).
Then, I started to think of all the fun stuff in our apartment... the TV, the wall, the potential dance parties I could have... and I realized that absolutely NO work would get done today if I went home.

So, that left me with two options.
Don't do my homework and fail my classes, OR go to a place with free public wifi.
I cringe at the thought that I chose the latter.

So here I sit, looking around, judging the people I have become.

Getting my MBA has turned me into a hypocrite and a HUGE poser.
F this game.

If You Enjoy The Sound of Music, Then You'll Enjoy This...

...and if you don't enjoy The Sound of Music, then stop reading my blog. Seriously. I feel nearly as strongly for Fraulein Maria, as I do for Betty White. Don't mess.

Anyway... Today, as part of my (gay) morning routine at work, I sat down and immediately put on my Pandora Showtunes station, and began to happily dance along.

About an hour in, and 10 Glee songs, 7 Rent songs, 5 Wicked songs, 3 Aladdin songs, 2 Jungle Book songs, 1 Beauty and the Beast song, and 1 Mulan Song later, "So long, farewell" began to serenade me. I wiggled in my seat fighting the urge to re-enact the VonTrap children’s performance, and settled for humming along quietly in my cube.

Knowing one of my colleagues is also a fan of greatest movie EVER made, I IM’d her in the hopes of making her morning a little brighter. Here's what transpired:

Me: I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne... yes?

Sally: No.

Me: Awww, Captain VonTrap

Sally: No champagne for you, you Nazi loving 16-year-old.

Me: You floozy, I saw you at the Gazebo! You and that “weeeeee!” nonsense. You’re grounded until after the war.

Sally: Worse – we’re moving to the hills where no boys will find you.

Me: Ever. Kurt will start to look tempting.

It's 10:14am and I've Already Alienated Kelsey.

Me: "Sometimes" courtesy of the one and only Britney Jean Spears just came on my ipod. It's going to be a good day.
Sometimes I runnnnn
Sometimes I hideeeeeeee
Sometimes I'm scarrrred of youuuuu
But all I really want is to hold you tiiiiight
Treat you riiight
Be with you dayyy and niiiight
Baby all I need is timeeeeeeee

...SING IT, GIRLFRIEND!


Kelsey: I’m done talking to you today.

Actual Conversation Between Me and Kelsey

Kelsey: Where's the Museum of Sex?

Me: OH MY GOD! I SAW THAT TOO AND I TOTALLY WANT TO GO! No idea, though...

Kelsey: Well, I just printed out $5 coupons if we decide to go...

Me: THAT'S why I love you.

Lea Michele is Avoiding Me and I'm Developing a Complex.

Well, night two of stalking did not result in a plethora of pictures in which I'm fondling the ladies of Glee.

I blame Lea.

The night began with me hijacking LaVonda, and another one of my lovely classmates (we'll call her Lacey), and forcing them to sit thru my softball games. See, they were both drunk from our happy hour, and we had big plans to stalk that night post-game. So, they came to cheer me on because
a) they're good friends
b) they had no choice
c) we needed to haul ass to downtown Phoenix as soon as the games were over.

ANYWAY, once the games were over, at 10:30pm, Kelsey, LaVonda, and I made our way back to the apartment to change and begin our mission. Lacey went home at this point because she had an early call for work. LAMEEEEEEE. I forgive her though, because 5am comes early...as I soon learned.


THE PLAN OF THE NIGHT: We go to the Wyndham.

See, my previous information had been off. The glast was staying at neither the Hyatt or the Sheraton. Oopsie.

In fact, they were at the Wyndham the whole damn time.

Anyway, the plan was this: Go and sit at the Wyndham until they walked by.
It's so simple - it's genius.

Our thoughts were this - No matter what, they would have to enter or leave the building at some given point. And, since they were most likely out at the bar that night, we had a distinct chance of seeing them coming home drunk and horny... AKA the BEST POSSIBLE TIME EVER.

So, we parked a block away from the Wyndham and made our way inside... trying to act like we belonged. Much to my pleasure, there was a bar situated right by the entrance that gave us a full view of the lobby. PERFECT.

We went and sat down and ordered a few drinks - mostly because if I was about to see a drunken Dianna, I would probably need to be buzzed as well to get up the courage to fondle and seduce her.

I nursed my beer, and we all chatted about our day, our lives, our jobs, etc... However, every time a door opened or the elevator 'dinged,' I would stretch my neck like a meerkat popping out of its hole and whisper/say louder than I intended, "LEA?!"



This soon began to wear on LaVonda and Kelsey... bless their souls.

While we were sitting and chatting, I rummaged through my purse to find my camera, when I came across awesomeness wrapped in a bow. A green and red bow, to be exact.

I evidently had not used the purse I had taken that night since December... when I attended a Christmas party.

There, sitting in my bag, as if Buddy the Elf had placed them there himself, were a pair of elf shoes. I immediately pulled them out, excited at the possibilities.

And this is why I'm friends with LaVonda:



There, in the middle of the hotel, with the possibility of Puck walking in at any moment, she decided to rock the elf shoes... and put them on display.

Incredible awesomeness.


After that, we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Then, LaVonda's man friend came to visit and joined us for a drink.

And we waited.

Then, man friend asked why we were there, to which I (not-so) proudly admitted to our stalking mission.

And we waited.

The waitress came by to bring us our bill.

Man friend ASKED HER WHEN PUCK WOULD ARRIVE.

I died a little and started to perspire profusely.

Kelsey looked like she was ready to flee the premises and life in general.

LaVonda told him to shut up and punched him.

The waitress looked dumbfounded and said she didn't know who Puck was.

LIAR.

She walked away.

We waited...again.

Finally, at 1:15am, we surrendered.

After all, the cast was due to be at a local radio station at 6am...surely they weren't still out partying.

We said our goodbyes, and went our separate ways.

As Kelsey and I made our way back to the car, we passed by the Starbucks that the ENTIRE glast was reported to had been at earlier that day for lunch.

I had to have a picture.



Note: that picture took four tries.

Once we arrived home, exhausted and worn out, I got ready for bed.
Then, I heard my phone buzz on the counter.
I went over.

Amber Riley (aka Mercedes): Just got back to the hotel! Nothing will top this night! Thanks Hemo =)

FML.

It was at that point I decided to get up at 5am to intercept the glast at the radio station. Avoiding me was not going to work, gleeks.


Stay tuned for Part 2 of "Lea Michele is Avoiding Me and I'm Developing a Complex."