Measuring Cups: Don't be a Boob.

So I basically just had the best conversation of life with LaVonda via Gchat while we're in separate classes, miles apart. Enjoy:


Me: I'm listening to a guy in a 3 piece suit talk about patents. I really hope he asks if any of us have ideas for patents… I'm going to tell him about my lopsided boob/bra invention….and talk about the research I have done.

Lavonda: Um....I'm going to need to hear more about said lopsided boob/bra invention

Me: omg I can't believe I've never told you!! I'm totally going to be a millionaire famous for boobies…every lesbian's dream.

Lavonda: By the way....for YEARS, I was convinced that I had a brilliant idea for a box of some type that allows plug-in items to run without electricity immediately available. I was CRUSHED when I found out that generators already existed.
Explain yours....I'm sure it's brilliant.

Me: hahahahah awesome. Okay well, as I'm sure you know, every woman's boobs are two different sizes...some more drastic than others

Lavonda: Righty rides higher, obviously...

Me: hahaha, another example: Megan Allen's right boob (named Mac) is a DD, her left (named veronica) is a C. It makes wearing V necks next to impossible b/c the shirt rides to the left...down the slope. Also, bras never fit both correctly, so I'm forfeiting one.

Lavonda: Veronica Mac? Amazing. And REALLY? DD/C? Mine's not that bad....just full D/Small D, and righty sits high

Me: okay well listen to this amazing idea: interchangeable cups. You can get a bra... and lets say I wanted to even out my boobs...I could purchase a cup that makes my C a DD with padding OR if I'm just getting the bra to wear with t-shirts, I can get a C cup for my lefty and DD for right… and they're both comfy.

Lavonda: I actually LOVE that idea...I mean, it's a lot of work, but for people that the difference is big enough, that's amazing. Also, the inserts could be all different materials

Me: EXACTLY. (I used this proposal in college ALL the time to feel up girls.)
"My boobs are the same!"
"Let me check...I doubt it"

Lavonda: HAHAHAHAHAHAHSHA I wish I could type H and A all day for that comment
I think if I was talking to someone about that, I'd let them feel me up and I'm a PRUDE… so it must work

Me: IT TOTALLY WORKED. I felt up every girl at Quinnipiac University at some point or another… there’s probably a support group.
Oh, and the name: Measuring Cups.

Lavonda: That is really brilliant. You're fantastic

Me: THANK YOU. The best part: I'll totally be invited onto Oprah like the spanks girl

Lavonda: Maybe you could feel up Oprah

Me: Oh I will. I plan on telling her that story and then being like "come here, I'm going to give you the Gail treatment"

Lavonda: HA!

Me: hahah I may also have to blog this conversation b/c I love it,
but I don't want some a hole stealing my patent b/c he has good taste and read my blog

Lavonda: Obviously....we should come up with some tag lines

Me: ooo i like it

Lavonda: Support that's as easy as A, C, DD

Me: hahhaha

Lavonda: Giving lesbians an excuse to feel up strange women since 2002
The world's foremost expert on breast differentiation improvement
We know that's confusing, but imagine how much less confusing it would be if your breasts were the same size!!

Me: Measuring Cups: Keep abreast on today's hottest bra!

Lavonda: AHAHAHA

Me: Tilting to the left? Get your tits aligned with Measuring Cups!
Don't be a boob, get some measuring cups!
NIP lopsided boobs in the bud... measuring cups!

Lavonda: Tit for tat? Make it TIT FOR TIT!!

Me: hahahha I laughed in class, dammit.

Lavonda: NIP? I just laughed out loud in class

Me: hahaha
Only in school is going from a C to a D a bad thing... measuring cups!
(ps...I'm totally yelling measuring cups in my head at the end of every tagline)

Lavonda: Of course you are! I'm actually singing it in my head

Me: oooo a jingle… even better!

Lavonda: mea sur ing CUPS! Upscale

Me: hahaha
Me: fresh prince theMe: "now this is the story of about how, my left boob got brought up to scale...now let me take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I evened out my chestly pair...."

Lavonda: Please record that

Me: hahaha, I'll feel up Jada Pinkett in the commercials… obvi... full circle.

Lavonda: obvi

Me: I'm going to be one of those non-celebs. I'll invent these cups...make some money and then invite myself to red carpet events. I can't wait to run into Britney and have her tell me "OMG I LOVE MEASURING CUPS!" and I'll be like "why dont we go in the back room and you can show them to me."

Lavonda: did you have a dirty dream about that?

Me: ...maybe…and maybe that's my motivation. Oh, and Dianna Agron, obvi.
I'll be present at all celebrity fittings.

Lavonda: right...that's a given. Glee can do an episode.

Me: I like where you're going with this

Lavonda: Imagine....to the tune of 'back that ass up' … Lift that breast up

Me: OMG I’ m laughing again

Lavonda: Of course you are....I'm hilarious.

Me: hahah I can't stop. I'm literally biting my lip. I'm going to snort in about 3 seconds

Me: I'm taking notes on how to patent this

Lavonda: obvi

Me: it's going to happen.

Lavonda: ask him about my generator idea. I think it's genius.

Me: oh I will

Lavonda: and hilarious to ask about, b/c people think you're an idiot

Me: I should totally do it. People in here SUCK and take themselves so seriously. They wouldn’t even get the joke or laugh.

Lavonda: lot of judgment faces?

Me: precisely. and lots of "I'm awesome. Listen to me. I am an MBA robot and have no sense of humor. I'm awesome. I'm right. Look at me. I'm serious."

Lavonda: next time you have a chance, search for a song called 'I'm awesome.' Key phrase....motherfucker, I'm awesome

Me: hahahaha omg i think that's my theme song.
In other news...I need to poop. Damn coffee

Lavonda: me too....triple venti right before class? Not a 'measuring cup' idea

Me: hahaha omg these people are asking 3409834093843 questions. Like seriously, shut up so he can leave and we can move on or else I WILL ask about generators, or tell him I have a great idea for menstruating women. "Tampoons" and I will go into great detail about how they work.

Lavonda: I just covered a guffaw with a cough… it was difficult.

Me: hahah

Lavonda: tampoons? What in the Sam Hill is that? I love it, whatever it is

Me: tampons.... but pronounce the end like "harpoon" b/c in reality you're harpooning your vag with cotton. NEVER say "tampon" again. ALWAYS tampoon.

Lavonda: cross my heart, hope to die,…

Me: stick a tampoon in your eye?

Lavonda: stick a tampoon in my eye

Me: hahahahaha omg i laughed again

Lavonda: I really do think you're my soulmate

Me: hahaha amen. I seriously hate these people in my class. Also, to my left, there's this guy that looks like a lesbian. His facial hair is the only reason I think he's male.

Lavonda: amazing...does he have boobs? Could we expand our market for measuring cups?

Me: oooo interesting. Measuring Cups: When you don't want to wear a cup down there, move em up to your man tits

Lavonda: protect your male and female assets...measuring cups!
Amazing. Best day ever.