The Amazing Jasper.

No, that's not some magician that I'm obsessed with and want to tell you all about... it's actually a new "friend" that seems quite obsessed with me.

Today I got a Facebook friend request.
Nothing new... I'm a popular lady.

However, when I opened the friend request, I was shocked, offended, and mildly terrified. Here's what it said:

Amazin JAsper wants to be your friend.

Message:
1,2: I'm coming for you.
3,4: you better lock yo' door.
Im' beast in the sheets...
Tonight I'm finna eat yo pu**y.


At least he had the decency to bleep out vagina.


Seriously though, I'm minorly terrified and want to call Olivia Benson to come protect me. According to his info on Facebook, he lives in California... but that somehow doesn't comfort me. I want to deny his request, but I fear he will show up at my house and be like "lets do this bitch..." and when I say "what?! NO!" he'll say "didn't you get my facebook message?!" and then assault me.

Maybe I should reply to him on his terms...so we have no hard feelings and he gets where I'm coming from... and leaves me the hell alone.

Perhaps something like this:

Dear Amazin', you best be blazin' cause if you come near me, I promise I'll be tazin'. Now leave me alone before I turn Jasper into Casper and kill yo ass. Feel me?