Yes, I said a foursome. Yes, you’re going to get details. Yes, you should be overly excited.
You see, for my 25th birthday, and quarter life crisis, Kelsey and I decided to go to Vegas. Why? Because I wanted to counteract feeling old by acting like a 19 year old hooligan. It worked.
Actually, before we get to the foursome proposition (which I assure you is forthcoming), let’s start with our first night in Vegas...which is entirely awesome for its own reasons.
I decided, in a semi-drunken state at around 8pm, that I wanted to go to my first ever strip club...and what a better place to do that, than in Vegas?! I immediately grabbed every entertainment book I could find, in the hopes of uncovering a “Best of” strip clubs list. After scouring multiple books, and finding nothing, I realized that the internets was probably my best solution.
I grabbed my phone (there was no way I was paying 20 bucks a day for wifi – F you, Riviera), and started my search. And that’s when I saw it on “AdultVegas.com”... like a prized animal on a safari... The Spearmint Rhino.
The name sounded familiar, and as I racked my brain for where I possibly could have heard this name before, it dawned on me.
Picture it, Connecticut, 2006... in a drunken stupor back in college, I once asked Dave the Cop (an awkward friend of ours…who was a little too old to be hanging out with 20 year olds...) where all the good strip clubs were in Vegas.
Mind you, I had no intention of going to Vegas anytime soon. But at that moment, in that crowded bar, it was highly pertinent to my life and well-being. And Dave simply replied, “The Spearmint Rhino is the shit.”
Sold.
I continued to read about this castle of nudity and dreams, and found that they had a limo service. Wait. Hold up. Sooo, you’re telling me that I not only get to see naked ladies, but I get to ride there in style? Holy shit, it’s like Santa came early (not in a sexual sense).
I dialed the number, and after two rings a gentleman picked up and I could hear music blasting and people talking… naked people. I asked him about the car service, and we made the necessary arrangements.
I then proceeded to pass out on the bed. I had evidently drank more than I thought…oops. About an hour later, Kelsey was trying to wake me up, but I was pretty much in a coma. She then said “it’s fine Meg, if you don’t want to go to the strip club…” and I then jumped out of bed like I just found out I slept with CarrotTop and he was trying to spoon.
As we stepped outside the hotel, sure enough there was a limo waiting for us with “Spearmint Rhino” etched on the side. It. Was. Awesome.
However, our driver Johnny failed to realize that my “plus one” would also be a lady. Immediately I went from “awesome girlfriend” to “I’m not so sure we can have two ladies by themselves in the club.” After calling his manager, Johnny came back around and said “Okay, here’s the deal. You ladies can get into the club. I’ll bring you in the dancer’s entrance. However, once you’re in there, you cannot talk to any men because it may take away from business.”
Ummm, did Johnny just insinuate that I would take away from the naked ladies giving lap dances? Or that I, myself, would be giving a lap dance if a man approached me? Or that all of the beauty that is me and Kelsey would blind the men to the nakedness in front of them, and they’d want to talk to us instead?
I was flattered.
“That’s totally fine, we’re not going for the men anyway,” was the reply my darling girlfriend uttered, and off we went.
As we pulled into the dancer’s entrance, there was a red carpet and a HUGE man sitting on a cell phone yelling at someone. I tipped Johnny, and he told us to get out our IDs and that he would then escort us inside to make sure we were okay.
Once we passed the threshold into the dark lighting of the club, I immediately starting smiling ear to ear like the Cheshire cat. I couldn’t stop myself.
It was kind of like a kid going to Disneyland for the first time. They may not have seen anything spectacular just yet, but they know that awesomeness lies ahead.
Once we got into the club, there were ladies EVERYWHERE. However, in all honesty, I wasn’t nearly as comfortable as I thought I would be. I’m not used to real-life ladies just walking around in underwear or completely topless. It was a little disarming. I went to the bar to get another drink since my buzz was wearing off, and paid 8 dollars for a beer. Awesome.
Kels and I then walked around, trying to find a place to sit/stand, but it was packed. We made our way back over to the main area, and found a standing area. There we were, poised at the head of the room, overlooking a sea of gyrating women grinding on men.
Men.
No other ladies were there as spectators.
After watching for a bit, it became quite clear that sitting in a chair meant “come over and sit on my lap, then give me a dance,” and that standing meant “come talk to me, and maybe I’ll go sit down so you can sit on my lap and give me a dance.”
After about 30 minutes of just standing there waiting for someone to approach us, I was beginning to give up hope.
Maybe they thought we were someone’s wives? Maybe they weren’t supposed to give dances to other girls?
That’s racist.
But, what did we have to do to get a lady to talk to us?
They were literally crawling on the men, but Kelsey and I seemed to have some kind of stripper plague that they were all avoiding.
I was about ready to give up, when I felt a hand on my shoulder, and heard a miraculous “hi ladies” come from behind me. My pulse raced, and my palms got sweaty and I thought to myself “please have a bra on… please have a bra on...” Because if she didn’t, I probably would have reverted back to that uncomfortable state of “you should be covered up, and I shouldn’t be staring.”
Thankfully, I turned around to see not one, but two lovely ladies in a bra and panties.
(I say “panties” because I know that one of my devout readers, Stef, HATES that word. So yeah, that one’s for you, Steffi. Panties.)
They both reached their hands out to introduce themselves, Brenda and Melanie. Melanie made a comment about both of our names starting with the letter “M” and how we were like “M&Ms” and go together.
I was already sold.
I was going to try to say something just as witty, like “oh Brenda and Kelsey… BK… Burger King...” But I luckily realized just how lame that was before I said it. Thank God for my personal filter that only turns on every now and then.
They made small talk, asked why we were in Vegas, etc… When they heard we were visiting for my birthday celebration, Melanie said “ugh, you’re a Libra. I always fall for Libras.”
Why, Melanie, are you insinuating something? Are you falling for me just on the basis of our handshake? And two minutes of introductions?
I don’t blame you.
We continued chatting, and Melanie mentioned that her ex-husband was a Libra, and that she can’t seem to stay away from them (to which my head perked up like ScoobyDoo when he hears something spooky).
She also mentioned that she was one drink away from switching teams… to which I nearly said “let’s go to the bar...”
Oh Melanie. You toy with my emotions.
Throughout our conversation, Kelsey charmed the pants...well, underwear...off of these ladies, which made me love her that much more. Seriously, she was like Casanova.
It was hot.
After a few more minutes, the girls then asked if we wanted a dance... and my world kind of slowed down into slow motion. I turned to Kelsey with a look of “do we?!?! HOLY SHIT” and she looked at me with the same expression. Since both of us looking at each other with ridiculous faces wasn’t getting us anywhere, Kelsey said “maybe later, but not right now...”
The girls then said “okay, no problem... we’ll be around..and if you can’t find us, just have us paged and we’ll meet you.”
Then Melanie pointed down to the bow on front of her panties and said “I have a present I want you to unwrap.”
Again. The world slowed down. My jaw dropped. I almost followed them as they walked away.
However, I restrained myself, and stayed with my lovely lady as we resumed watching over the patrons of the club.
After about ten minutes, Kelsey said “I need to pee...but I don’t want to lose our spot. Will you be okay by yourself?”
I wanted to answer “No,” but I also knew that if we gave up our awesome position, that we wouldn’t find another place to stand, and that we would probably end up leaving. I didn’t like that option at all, so I agreed to stay put.
My fear was that a girl would approach me, and either:
a) Without my Casanova by my side, I would seem like a total idiot and stutter a lot
b) I would follow said girl into a back room and end up doing cocaine just because she said to
Neither happened. Thank God.
Kelsey came back after a few minutes and said that she ran into Melanie and Brenda by the bathroom and that they chatted. She was going to invite them to do their little dances for us when she came out of the potty, but Melanie and Brenda had disappeared, and so had Melanie’s “present.”
Dammit.
We waited around a bit more, but never saw them again.
We were however, approached once more by a creepy redhead who had MAD pole dancing skills ask us for a dance... but we nicely declined. She was a little creeptastic, even for me. She got over it quickly though, as she straddled the man sitting in front of us.
All in all, it was a wonderful first experience. We stayed at the club for a little bit longer, and then decided to head back to the hotel to play craps (which I totally won $30 at). I was dying to tell the other people at the table “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE WE JUST CAME FROM,” but I decided against it. Maybe they would be offended.
Once we got back to the room, I already classified our trip as "successful" based on our first night. Little did I know that the Spearmint Rhino would seem tame in comparison to the rest of our weekend in Vegas.
To be continued...
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